Dear Black Men

Black men, this is what we need you to understand and do in order for us to see change. Everyone must play their part. Don’t respond with an angry comment. Read it. Think on it for a day. If you still have qualms, respond. I have written a letter to black women too so don’t get your boxers twisted.

1. Stop with the excuses. Stop blaming the (white) man and black women for things that are legitimately your fault and I'm not just talking about the DBRs either. You let the black family disintegrate to a point where it is strange to see a happily married black couple with their black children. You turned the black neighborhood into a war zone. You run the black church so if the black church is not doing x, y, and z, well consider it a look in the mirror. We (upstanding black people) must STOP with the excuses and take responsibility for ourselves.

2. Identify the self-hatred and get rid of it. Black men love to complain about the weaves and hair straighteners that black women use to 'relax' their hair but never take the time to consider how much their preferences for  European standards of beauty play a part in those decisions. Black men will require a black woman to be a dime and a half but will be happy with pennies for a white woman. I am convinced that black men's self-hatred runs much deeper than black women's. It explains why black men have lesser commitment to the community.  It explains why black men fight 10x harder not to pay their child support. It explains how black men will be chilvarous to a non-black woman but be cold and arrogant to a black woman. It explains why most black leaders of times past (and 'conscious' brothers today) had very light wives.

3. Stop wanting a cookie for treating a woman (other than your mother…if that) with respect. Don’t demand black women soften up and then turn around and treat us like shit. We take enough from the world just like you do so…SHOW SOME LOVE.



4. Stop being offended when a black woman wants a man with a job. Every woman on the planet wants a man who can provide or at least bring something to the table besides his biological jewels. When a white woman asks a man's employment status, she's considered responsible. Black woman asks a man's employment status, she's a golddigger. You would want your daughter to have such an expectation so don’t be surprised when her potential mother has such a minimal requirement.

5. Marriage and birth control is everybody’s business. A high singleness rate among professional black people (not just women) says something about the men and the women (we are not committed to commitment). A 72% out of wedlock (OOW) birthrate says something about the men and the women (we are not committed to solid families) . I find it funny when Black men tell black women white men will only want you for sex. With these marriage and OOW rates, Black men might only want sex from black women too....at least the damaged ones. Black women having a growing number of HIV/AIDS numbers says something about the men and the women. Stop running from marriage. Do not have children outside of wedlock. Do not have children if you cannot afford to take care of them. Do not have sex without a condom. Show sexual discretion. Monogamy is natural. How many wives did God give Adam? You get my point. Upstanding black men understand this (and are encouraging other black men to do the same).

6. Quality Black women (not the fake ones who share our skin tone) don’t want thugs but we don’t want Urkel either. Women are visual beings just like men are. They want to see a beautiful man when they wake up in the morning just like men do. Those ‘nice’ black guys who say ‘all black women want thugs’ usually are 1) unattractive and/or 2) chasing video hos and expecting their accounting degree to make her clean up and become a Claire Huxtable. Video hos (dead weight) and Claire Huxtables have little in common and you cannot look for them and approach them the same way. Black men have the advantage when it comes to dating. Women are approaching men nowadays. So when a black man is rejected, I’m sure it hurts. If you are rejected, take a good long look in the mirror. Most often, the problem is there. No. Black women aren’t looking for stallions. They are looking well-groomed manly black men just as men are seeking the same thing from women. Check this out when you get a chance.

7. Stop measuring your manhood by your measurements. Is all black men have to offer the world is what dangles between their legs? Women can buy that. That’s not saying much. Black women don’t think so. To many of your surprise, black women expect a lot from black men because we know you are not just your penises. You are a dynamic collective. We know that you do have a greater potential that you are not accessing and thus not benefitting from. No, we are not trying to get something from you but the family rides on the back of the man. Thus, if the family is struggling, well…
Measure your manhood as this…ownership, maturity, commitment to growth, and responsibility.

8. Stop thinking marrying a white woman is sticking it to the man. White men could care less about what black men do with white women. You know why? They own the world. Actually, when a Black man dates/marries a white woman, I bet it strokes their ego. It reinforces that you think that they are better. They know unless black men start earning their walking papers by CHANGING their thoughts and their actions, BLACK MEN AS A COLLECTIVE CAN’T TOUCH THEM. What would happen if black people built strong families, built strong businesses, maintained strong Universities, built safe nations so that blacks could travel and possibly choose to live in their own home/ancestral land, and practically didn’t give a hoot what white people did? Imagine what it would be like if a white person said ‘you can go back to Africa if you don’t like it that much’ and we actually did, having a better experience ‘home’ then we ever did feeling like a disrespected stranger in the Diaspora. That would be sticking it to the man. Wealth and ownership is where the real power comes into play. The Man wouldn’t know what to do with himself. That would make The Man’s knees buckle.

9. Meet us in the middle. We want you to take your ‘rightful place’. You too must have a commitment to the community. You too must have a commitment to crime prevention. You too must have a commitment to building strong (whole) black families. You too must have a commitment to personal responsibility. Black women giving 10 and black men giving 5.8-7 is not enough. Just like with every partnership, both have to give their best or else the partnership is not fruitful. And I refuse to believe that this is the best black men can do. History does not bear that out. If black women decided to create a matriarchy and let black men go (and skyrocket in terms of wealth, interracial relationships, running the church, overall well-being), where does that leave black men? With poked out lips ‘I don’t care I’ll go get a white girl’…see point 7. I think white women have become black men’s go to crutch instead of doing what’s right. If the sting was taken out of that and black women decided (as many already have) that they didn’t care (i.e. getting rid of the dead weight…in the mind), what would black men really have?

10. In essence, do better. Black men as a collective know how they need to change. Be a man. Take responsibility. Again, no more excuses. Do better.