Things To Remember About A Personal Ad

If you have been in the dating market, you are familiar with online dating. There are those who say that online dating isn't "holy", isn't "virtuous", or for the desparate. These same people will spend years going to the movies alone on Friday nights or have been married for decades. So their advice goes on deaf ears.

I do use online sites. That may cast a bad note on me but hear me when I say, "I don't give a rat's *ss". I have met women much prettier than me, skinnier than me (albeit that doesn't automatically mean prettier...but its definitely more acceptable), more educated than me, from a variety of diverse (read: white) backgrounds who use the internet quite frequently. If online dating is good enough for them, then its good enough for me. I was at a women's function and a very pretty, petite white woman in her late 20s (I'm guessing) said that she met her new beau of 4 months on Match.com. He had old school values. Yet when she asked him "If you were to see me in the supermarket would you have said anything to me?", she got a flat out, "No". Yup ladies, that's the sea we're fishing in.

Anyway, when looking at an ad, there are some things to keep in mind.

1) There are ONLY two types of personals ads-those looking for genuine love and those only looking for sex. That's it.  Your first job is to find out which one you're looking at. Some come right out and say it. Others use certain words that are less dramatic but mean the same thing. Those that want a relationship are more straightforward as they are more acceptable. Those looking for 'friends first' are bluffing. They just don't want to come right out and say that they want a special someone because sad to say, 'I'm looking for a committed relationship' is a turn off to a stranger even though..er...that's what we all want and have registered with the dating site to begin with. Come on, if I wanted to befriend a stranger all I need to do is go through my 'Friends' List on Facebook for free. Those looking for just sex use words and phrases like "no pressure situation," "...for 'cuddling' and maybe more later," or even "I've been busy and don't have a lot of time to date" for the most part are just out for the phsyical compatibility and I'm not talking about whether or not he likes your eyes.

2) Everyone is using the buzz words to get the most attention. I work for a company that uses a word screener for its hiring practices. Certain words bring resumes to our attention while resumes of folk who might be just qualified but didn't use the key terms, are left in the cyber rubble. Just like with hiring, people will use the right words to get the most responses. That's why you have to read between the lines and photos. For the most part, nobody is going to be specific and say "I'm not looking to get married again" as it comes off as bitter and if it's a man, his prospects (interviewees) has dropped in half. The fact that he's 25 and divorced  already sends red flags already. And nobody's going to come out and say, "I'm marriage minded," because it comes off as someone in a rush and someone who won't be willing to take the neccesary time to develop the relationship. If this is a woman, her prospects will definitely drop. Nonetheless, if that person with the vague introduction responds to you and you all exchange personal information, then you will have to peel back the onion but its definitely going to take some further communication to understand what makes that person tick.

2) As different as we think we are, we're not. That's why you can read 10 personals and they say roughly the same thing. "I like movies, dancing, trying new things, and meeting new people". This is a front to seem normal. Again, the rest of personal ad may detail other tidbits but some further investigation will be neccesary. But really, most people from the similar culture, ours being American, like a lot of the same things. So don't be too picky. There are SEVERAL guys or girls who can be your new boo quite easily. So pat yourself on the back and give your therapist the boot. You are just like everybody else-grade school bullies be damned.

3) The Ad is only 75% of the truth. That's enough to base an educated guess about someone but not enough to turn him or her down all together.

-The picture

-The tag line

-the small paragraph

We're BOTH 5'9!

4) Men's Height: 5'9 is the catch all height for all men SHORTER than 5'9. I have YET to meet a man who is legitimately 5'9. I am 5'5. Most men that I have met who said they were 5'9, when I met them, I was looking down at them. Yeah, of course I was wearing heels. But I wear functional heels. I don't own a pair of stillettos. Nonetheless, if a man is legitimately 5'9, I should be able to wear 4" heels and be able to look him straight in the eye. Not so. NOT EVEN ONCE. A man's height is extremely subjective. he may be 6'2 because everyone in his family has been lying to him. It may be because he's taller than all of his friends. However, if all of his friends are '5'9' he could easily be legitimately 5'9 and still be taller than them.

Call Me

5) Few extra punds, built, solid, stocky, thick, football type, chubby, big boned,anything over 200lbs and you/they are not  6'0+=fat. #thatisall. It may not be sloppy fat but please know if these terms are used there may be a range of plumpness you will be greeted with. As a card carrying member of the Chunky Crew (meeting tonight at 7 at the Macaroni Grill. Don't forget), I must say, just because they're a little more to love doesn't make them less of a person ESPECIALLY if you too are member of Club Chub. My former co-worker said all her husband's former girlfriends were skinny blondes. Well, she was none of that when she gained his heart. She's a great homemaker for him and her personality totally balances him out. Give the person a chance. You two could work out together and be accountable to each other as you shed the pounds and tone up. Instead of going to the Italian Restaurant you can go to Saladworks.  Instead of doing dinner and a movie, you can just do the movie and take a walk by the lake. Did you see that? The cost of the date was just split in half. We always talk about the health and social disadvantages of being overweight but nobody ever talks about the literal costs (dollars and cents) of overeating. Also, another benefit of dating someone who is overweight is that you won't be surprised when they gain more weight. How many times do you hear middle aged men lament the fact that their wife was the size of a toothpick when they got married but when she got married and had the babies, its been downhill from there?  Not so, with men who marry women when they're plump. If anything the plump wife ends up losing the weight. Another term to look out for is height to weight proportionate (HWP) as 'proportionate' is subjective.

6)Where men are concerned, TRUST THE PICTURE, especially if you've got several pictures where you can see their whole body frame, them in their pajamas, them on the beach, them at a party... TRUST THE PICTURE. I have NEVER been pleasantly surprised when I met guys from online. The guy was usually WORSE than the picture or I gave him a chance thinking he might not photograph well. Nope. Not no more. They were EXACTLY who they advertised. Maybe that's why it felt 'worse'. However, the guys have always been pleasantly surprised when they've met me. I've heard the same report from other women too which tells me I/we need to do better at presenting myself through my pics. How many guys have overlooked me because my pic wasn't the best representation of me? Men trust the picture ALL THE TIME.

7)"I don't want no drama or baggage"= I have no clue what goes into a functional relationship. Find me someone without drama or baggage and I'll find you a liar. Love is not about embracing perfection. It is embracing both a person's strengths and weaknesses and understanding that you too have a garden variety of strengths and weaknesses that in order to be in a functional relationship, your partner needs to accept as well.

8) "Ladies, if you want a man who is legally employed, no children, educated, no drama, and no baggage, I'm your man"=seen mostly with Black men=I'm an arrogant sob. I brag about having what is implied for a NORMAL MAN MY AGE. Proceed with caution.

9) Looking for someone specifically outside of their race. There is a story there. This person has special needs and you better believe there is some baggage. If you are marriage/family minded, you definitely need to proceed with caution.