Solution to the DBR Problem

Let the Healing Begin

I was asked to write an article about the solutions to the DBR disease that I described in an earlier post. I really had never considered a solution to the problem because by definition (damaged BEYOND REPAIR) these indiduals who exhibit several or many of the traits listed cannot be fixed. However, Black people are  a people who have deep reservoirs of hope. Thus, for anything to be irrepairable is not an option. Thus, most of us deep down believe everyone can be changed, especially our own. Though most black men are probably not DBR to the extreme, I am sure that all Black men saw themselves in at least one of those symptoms which means there is quite a bit of repairing that needs to be done. Let's start first from where the solutions do not lie.

• Black Women

Because so many Black women have been programmed to blindly revere/idolize Black men, sad to say, most Black women do not know how to correct Black men, or even that Black men need to be corrected in the first place. Let me state here that women should honor the men that they are connected to and the men should reciprocate the honor and be honorable. Black women have been taught to give Black men the benefit of the doubt, even when all the evidence says not to. The worst a Black man can do wrong is marry a white woman. Turning the neighborhood into a war zone, perpetuating the color complex, avoiding marriage at all costs, and not taking care of children is neither here nor there because that's what they (black men) do. Maybe black women have given up on Black men which is why their standards are so low. And dating out is still not an option for most Black women. The change will not come from them. If it could, please believe it would have been done. Black women have been practically begging Black men to 'come home' for decades. It ain't working. For real, for real...Women are not wired to police men. That really is the responsibility of the men in the society.

If black women date white men (as they are in increasing numbers) the DBRs will only call them names, will still refuse to marry, will still not go to college and be professional functioning adults. If Black women refuse sex to get Black men to 'act right', DBRs will run faster towards non-black women. I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing anymore. They place no value on the Black family for them to do otherwise. If they did, we wouldn't have all these problems.

• The Governement

Just like Dr. W. E. B. DuBois said 100 years ago  in  The Philadelphia Negro Black people getting their acts together will start and stop with them. The Gubb'ment is not changing the welfare, child support, and prison laws any time soon. But really, a woman living with a man should be more financially stable than by herself and thus the single mom should get more support. The system shouldn't have to police grown men to at least pay for their children's existence. If we changed our behaviors we wouldn't have to confront these systemic issues in the first place. Even if the Government changed the systemic stuff (welfare, child support, and incarceration), DBRs WOULD STILL find a way to blame The Man. For DBRs self-motivated change is not an option. They will run to whoever lets them shift responsibility to someone else.
Ability to take responsibility is what an undamaged Black man looks like. Plug: Responsibility includes knowing the importance of proper family building principles which includes marriage first, children second. A rich man that has three children by three different women is irresponsible even if he is taking care of all of them. Let's be real, he usually isn't. Marrying a woman you love and are willing to build a family with, being faithful, and having all your children by her saves everyone so much time, money, and headaches. I don't know why its so unpopular. Say it with me: DAMAGED

• A Roundtable

We don't need another panel discussion. What more needs to be said? Black discussions (which are usually attended primarily by women) only lead to more blaming The Man for Black men/people's bad decisions. This is done to shift the responsibility. Thus if they (DBRs) are not responsible, they don't have to change. Newsflash: even if it was The Man's fault, you must adapt or you will die. You must play defense (raising respectful kids, encouraging high achievement, maintaining healthy marriagesand safe streets) or you will continue to be without. A community/group/country that does not shift WHEN THEY KNOW WHAT THE ENEMY LOOKS LIKE is complicit in its own peril and that is nonsense.

• A program

We've had enough. Men don't participate in programs anyway.
The solution ain't that deep. I really believe most damaged men/people know there is something wrong.
Every Black man must ask himself this question:

Am I the type of man I would want my daughter to marry?

If the answer is no, do the work to change.

Most men can answer no and know exactly where the maturity/healing needs to take place.

This question should reveal a whole lot of areas of any Black man who wants to be more responsive to his family and community. Let me stress: the solution is not revealing the areas of concern, its dealing with those areas of concern (besides coddling or excusing them) to become a better man.  Other than that, the only feasible solution I see of curing the DBR disease is for Black men to hold themselves accountable. Men make men move. Black men must change their thinking patterns. Just BE MEN OF CHARACTER. That's all Black women want. That's all our communities need: Men of character. Thats all the world wants to see from you.  I place the onus on Black men because men talk and relate and understand men differently than with women, at least thats what they say. Men also raise the boys (EVEN WHEN THEY'RE NOT IN THE PICTURE). A father not working towards a profession or business, despising marriage, and not taking care of his children on a day-to-day basis is showing his children the definition of a man, faulty but a definition nonetheless. The situation is further compounded when two generations of children have seen this happen.

Black men must instill character and achievement and responsible living in their sons, nephews, mentees, students by DEMONSTRATING IT themselves.

Now that I think about it, I wrote a letter to Black men underlining some further things to consider.

Bottom Line: we've done enough talking. We've done enough programs. We've seen two generations destroyed by this irresponsible behavior and are fitting to see another. Change will happen on a person-to-person basis. Nobody should need a movement to do whats right, build sound families, and maintain safe neighborhoods for their children to play. Just do it.