Its Cheaper to Keep Her

Divorce is easy to do but it is expensive. I've never met a divorced person of whom divorce didn't cost them dearly in so many areas. Here are some of the ways divorce is costly and the bulk of the financial responsibility is borne by the man.
-Alimony
-Child Support
-Brokenness in spirit for everyone involved
-Separation from Children
-Psychological issues in children
-Emotional Baggage in everybody involved

Divorce is the other side of the broken family situation in the black community. It is tearing familes apart more so than ever before. The financial pain is cheap compared to the long lasting emotional costs that divorce can incur. As expensive as divorce is, its a wonder why so many people (men in particular) do not try harder to save their marriages. I will not be the judge of anybody's situation but from what I've seen is that most people who get divorced should not have gotten married in the first place. For those of you who are still single or newly divorced, here are 5 ways to vet a future spouse and save yourself some time and money.

1. Check with Mom and Dad (or elders who have your best interest at heart). Love covers a multitude of sins and when you're in love you see what you want to see. Its always best to have a second set of eyes check this person out and check for any blindspots you may have missed (or ignored) before you make such a big leap.

Yield

2. Are warning signals going off? Instincts are there for a reason. Proceed with caution. Marriage is serious business. Did he say something at dinner that gave you cause for concern? Did her ideas about raising kids seem too different from yours, and you think it would be a clash if you would try and start a life together? Is there a waring in your spirit about taking the relationship to the next level. If your instincts are telling you to run, evaluate the situation. In most occassions, do not pass go, do not collect $200, run like hell. Again, I've never met a divorced person who didn't know on some level BEFORE they got married that getting married to this person wasn't going to work out in the long run. They ignored it (sometimes because of this), went ahead anyway, hoped for the best, put their best foot forward, and it still did not work out. Intention does not equal destination; direction does.

3. There should be an ease to the relationship. An older woman said when I asked how she met her husband of 35 years, 'I was at peace with him. We fit together like a shoe. Everything just flowed'. There should be a naturalness to your relationship, like the unfolding of a flower. Everything falls into place.

4. Be eery of potential.  The lie starts like this 'if I marry her, she'll want kids'. 'He has the potential to be a good man'. 'She has the potential to be more responsible with the kids'. Understand that you are not Jesus. It is very arrogant to think that being with you will change a person's character. When dating, you must ask yourself and be honest, 'could I marry this person as is'. We must look at character and a person's ability to anchor a family. Would you want your child to marry this person? If the answer is no, you need to reevaluate your relationship.

5. Do you have the major things in common. What are the major things?

-Do you and your significant other both want children? want to have around the same amount? have similar ideas about discipline and how you will raise your kids?

-Do you and your signifcant other have the same ideas about finances? saving? investing? future ventures?One of you can't be a stickler for being in the black and the other spends frivolously. Money is one of the major reasons why marriages fail.

-Do you and your dumpling have the same ideas about marriage and divorce? One of you cannot think marriage is just a piece of paper to be thrown away once you're done and the other thinks it is a covenant that you will work your ass off not to break.

-Do you and your sugar plum have the same ideas about gender roles in the home?

-Do you and your sweetheart have the same ideas about the boundaries you will set for the people outside of your relationship? Adam and Eve were fine until another person got in the way. Excuse me but in-laws can get in the way. Children (of all ages) can get in the way. Friends can get in the way. Parents can get in the way. The both of you need to be in sync about keeping these groups and anybody else at bay when it comes to your relationship. One of the first principles of marriage is leave and cleave.


For the already married, here are 5 things you can do to strengthen your bond with your beloved:

-Forgive

-Listen


-Humble Yourself


-Enhance the romance and sex life


-Pray

Not too many words, because love is simple. Love is not a feeling. It is a decision. Most people considering divorce (or whose marriage has grown cold) know what they need to do different to repair the marriage. They just refuse to try. We as Americans, of all shades, must do better in this regard. Our children, of all shades, are begging us to make it work. When we as parents are happy, our children are happier. They do not like to see us sparing with each other. They do not want step parents, step, or half siblings. They do not want to be with Mom during the week and be with Dad on the weekends. They do not want to be dragged into court and watch their parents duke it out in front of strangers. They want us to love one another. Children of divorce are the last to get married. The trauma of divorce is so far reaching that it must be avoided by choosing the right person in the first place and consistently working at the marriage once it is in place. Even if you married the wrong person, God turns lemons into lemonade all the time. Do not give up. WORK on your relationship.

IT COST TOO MUCH NOT TO.

Start with the Five Compliment Challenge. Read the book of Song of Solomon. Those two spoiled each other with compliments. We as, African-Americans, struggle with intimacy though we desire it deeply. We harp on the negative so easily, that when it is neccessary to switch gears and think positively, let alone speak positively, we do not know how to do it. But we must, nonetheless. LOVE YOUR SPOUSE. As I said here:

'Love is patient. Love is kind. It is does not brag. It is not arrogant. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres'. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

What part of this description of love is missing in your marriage? In your attitude toward your spouse? I challenge you, for your children's sake to

FIX IT.